FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS
Last night I had phenomenal sex with a woman who is absolutely and completely out of my league. As I laid in bed completely satisfied with myself, she rolls over and gives me “the look.” You know what “the look” is.
She then proceeds to say, “I was talking to my friend about you and I told her my boyfriend does that,” as she continued to talk about something and someone who went somewhere… My brain hit the brakes. I replayed what she just said to me.
I stopped her and said, “Boyfriend? Who is your boyfriend?”
She then says, as if I already knew, “DUH!! You are. Who else would it be?” At the risk of getting kicked out her apartment at this recent update to my dating life I don’t say anything.
I think to myself, “Boyfriend? How the hell did I become her boyfriend?” Then I realize what I’ve done, she was so beautiful. So completely out of my league that I broke every rule I had to hook up with her. Guys, if you don’t already know, there are rules to keeping your friends with benefits package intact. If you don’t know: Here are the 4 rules you MUST follow in order to keep from making my mistake.
READ CAREFULLY. THIS IS CONFIDENTIAL MAN CODE, SO BURN AFTER READING. I’ve learned to treat “friends with benefits” relationships the same way I would treat a gremlin.
RULE 1 – Never get your gremlin wet. As in: NEVER let her take a shower at your place.
Fellas, this is a chain reaction which, to the untrained eye, is almost undetectable. If she thinks she can shower at your place, it means she thinks she can always take showers at your place. If she can always take showers at your place, it means she will leave things at your place. If she leaves things at your place, she is marking her territory. And if she is marking her territory, the takeover has begun.
RULE 2 – Keep your gremlin away from sunlight. As in: NEVER take her out during the day.
Question: do you know who goes out during the day? Only two groups of people do so. Couples on an outing (which you are trying to avoid) and single women which you can’t get if you have a smothering Sally on your arm. All activity between the two of you should be “AT NIGHT.”
Movies – yes Drive inn – yes Dimly lit dessert lounge – yes
See what they have in common? Don’t give her a reason to think it’s a date. Couples go on dates. FWB’s do not.
RULE 3 – Never feed your gremlin after midnight. As in: NEVER let her spend the night, and NEVER have breakfast with her.
Guys, you know it’s the same story; a night of great sex and you do the mandatory 5 minutes of cuddling and then she rolls over tucking into her “I’m turning in for the night” position. You think: ”One time can’t hurt. It’s no big deal.” But if it repeatedly happens, breaking this particular rule can lead you to break rules 1 & 2. And if you’re asking, “If she’s already spent the night, she might as well get breakfast with me right?” Wrong!!!!!! See rule number 2 compadre.
RULE 4 – Avoid too much interaction with your gremlin. As in: NEVER talk to her more than twice a week.
Fellas, an old school Mac once told me, “Conversation rules the nation.” If the phrase holds any weight, conversation leads to interest, and if you are anything like me, being able to hold a woman’s interest and making her laugh are the keys to her heart. Not her bedroom. (In most cases!) The more a woman can talk to you and feel comfortable with you, the more she can see you in a different light. And that different light can lead down to the “define what we are” road. You want her to remember only two things about you: your name and the way you “put it down.” Nothing more and nothing less.
After all is said and done, relationships are great. But if you’re anything like me, sometimes you just want raw passion without the flowers, candy, nagging, and expectations. If you are able to find a friend, (with benefits) stay on this strict regimen and everything will be fine. Crap. My girlfriend is calling me to go take out the trash, so I gotta go fellas.