Tiger’s response: “Blame it on the alcohol.”
2. The seventh chick linked to Tiger was a porn star. The Tiger went wild, indeed.
Tiger’s response: “I’m gonna take the liberty of quoting a great American poet here, Snoop Dogg: ‘I don’t love them hoes.'”
3. In December 2009, Tiger said he was taking in indefinite leave from golf.
Tiger’s response: “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”
4. Tiger told the world he was oh-so-sorry back in February.
Tiger’s response: “Yeah, I’m sorry I got caught, but that’s about all I’m sorry for.”
5. Holly Sampson, another porn star, gave Tiger props for his, ahem… stroke.
Tiger’s response: “Call me Tiger Flintstone; I can make your bed rock.”
6. Joslyn James — yes, another porn star — alleges she was knocked up by Mr. Woods, twice.
Tiger’s response: “To quote Maury Povich: ‘I am NOT the father.'” [Then breaks out in celebratory dance]
7. Word is Tiger is forking over mucho dinero too keep his wifey by his side.
Tiger’s response: “My wife? I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger but she ain’t messin’ with no broke… “
8. Back in June 2009, at the U.S. Open some drunkards were jeering Tiger.
Tiger’s Response: “Y’all should grow the f–k up, come here let me coach you.”
9. Tiger has enough mistresses to form a basketball team , at least.
Tiger’s response: “I’m shutting s–t down in the mall, and telling every girl she’s the one for me, and I ain’t even planning to call, I want this s–t forever, man.”
10. Lastly, despite all the distractions, Tiger is still favored to win the Masters.
Tiger’s response: “I’m Tiger Woods!”